You are my highway, you are my road out of this deep sadness,
you are the gas that pushes me, the steering wheel that turns me in the right directions,
you are the engine check light, that tells me when something is not right,
you are my brake pad, that helps me slow down so I do not hit any walls.
Long and tiresome my road has been, and I do not know which way I will turn,
soon I will get the courage, and talk to you about what I want to every time,
soon I will be able to tell you, that something between us can happen,
it is not so bad as long as the two of us, feel the way we tell each other.
Still worried that if I do speak up, we will no longer talk,
my car will break down, and I will be forced to roam the road alone,
although I do have friends, they are more like cars that stop to hitch hike,
I am just too worried about the outcome, soon I will get the confidence to speak up,
soon...
3/29/10 (CA) No Picture Can Do
No amount of pictures, can do California any justice,
beauty and tranquility, can never be represented in a picture,
this trip is exactly what I needed, finally my waters have calmed,
and I can venture out into open sea, as I look for my next port.
The weather is perfectly warm, the surroundings are kind to the eyes,
the tender noises, are everything you do not hear in the Big Apple,
now I may be a New Yorker at heart, but I am enjoying Cali,
the sweet aroma it produces, and natures alarm clock at 9am.
Sure I will take photos, and try my best to show its awe,
I still will not be able to show, how calm it can make a man,
I have 9 days left here, and I will make the best of this time,
because I fear how I will feel, when I return to the City.
4/2/10 (CA) Thought Excursions
I am going soberly insane, no matter how many Cali girls I meet,
no matter how far I try to walk, I still end up with pain on my feet,
I sit on this patio, while it is raining and there is a chill,
I need to get twisted or buzzed, but never will I take a pill.
Only certain people know me, and out of those only one is on my mind,
she is my off limits girl, but it is hard to not call a diamond a find,
friends tell me to speak up, before my head expands and pops,
still the fear of telling you, is that our friendship will stop.
Somehow you found the courage, to tell me you felt the same way,
but how can I tell you how I feel, when I can not find the words to say,
every muscle must be exercised, and you work out my heart,
wish we could finally be, I know there will never be a start.
4/2/10 (CA) My Heart Is In You
It is like before New Years, my life was never lived,
I never could walk on streaming water, only tread,
so much was missing in my life, now what am I to do,
when I can safely say, these strong feelings for you are true.
You are keeping me alive, and never will I know why this way I feel,
but deep down I know it is right, my outer shell has peeled,
I will always hold you up, and you will always do the same,
how can you tell me those words, and expect me to be tame.
I still picture the top of the stairs, and you were my girl,
never will I forget, how it felt to momentarily fall into your world,
my heart is in you, no matter how much or little you say,
for now I will sit back, and keep these feelings at bay.
4/5/10 (CA) Still Think of You
All this seems strange, all this still feels unbelievable,
I can not believe what has occurred, and the changes we have both made,
I wish to know when we both felt, we should separate further and further,
I want to know when you decided, my love was a game to be played.
Still I think of you, and worry you will get hurt,
but you do not even give me a second glance, as you or I walk away,
yet I will still fight to not look back, it is hard with an angel like you,
even if you are presently my demon, I will wait for that side to be slayed.
I will walk longer and longer, to keep you out of my mind,
I do not care if my feet bleed, it is them or my heart,
still I think of you, and i miss having that comfortable home,
the more I spend away, only makes me miss that part.
4/5/10 (CA) Lost Without A Trace
Another day, maybe some other way we could be,
but how am I supposed to find you, when I am lost myself,
I take a sip of golden dreams, and hold on for dear life,
holding on for anything, reaching out for anyone who will grab hold.
I can not remember anything, I choose to lose my face,
forget about the old Renato, time to start fresh,
I must begin anew, find myself deep under all the beer cans,
underneath all the shots, and through all the smoke.
I try to remember, what I was digging for underneath all the rubble,
and I forget, just start climbing back up,
hit a couple _____, knock back a couple jigger shots,
sip a few 6 packs, and I am lost without a trace again.
4/12/10 Food For the Uneducated & Dependant
Love is a silly game where nobody ever wins, where is the fun with that?
both the individuals feel good, simply to be put in a fog that is black,
power lies with the person who cares less, they can overpower any partner,
put that contract into the shredder, you must not have read the hidden offer.
Why does everyone either wham bam or thank the mam, what happened to having fun?
well you want fun, then hit that green sticky carousel,
start feeling warmth in your body, nothing makes a sound,
until that cloud fell,
need warmth and confidence, start ponging and give it two games,
then you will be falsely accused of confidence, and get all the dames.
Hit that Britney or Jimi, best be kissing DragonBreath,
first use that 3 leveler, and know I keep the dust,
need a big order, my card dealer is the best,
and never again will you be sad, that is a huge must.
4/12/10 With Every Line
With every compliment, I grow closer to telling you the truth,
I wish to start a life in the circus, and be the New Years kissing booth,
for you would be my customer, and I would not need the alcohol,
and even if I lose my balance, to you I would crawl.
With every line, that I fill with you in mind,
I find myself pushing away from the gate, as I put my last arrival far behind,
and I wish for us to be, I want the warmth your hug produces,
you would be my number one, never in the category of deuces.
With every enter key I hit, as our conversation starts to get deep,
one of these summer days, I will learn to make a peep,
and meet you sober minded, to prove my feelings to be true,
I have thought about one person since the ending of 09, and that girl happens to be you.
4/12/10 Got A Lot Of Questions
Got a lot of friends, that I did not know before I had you,
I constantly spend my weekend with them, as bad habits take over,
do alot of shit during those parties, and barely have the need to remember any of them,
what am I doing? What happened to my good morals?
Oh that is right, I am finally doing Renato,
finally have all the time, that I will spend thinking of the old me,
when I should really jump over this obstacle, I choose to sit in the gap,
why have any cares or worries, I am my own world.
I constantly fear the damage, that my habits will one day do,
I have no clue what my future is, and I used to have clues,
now it is set to getting over that last speed bump, even though I see the horizon,
I have a vision of her hair, and i know I must stay in between as long as I can.
4/13/10 I Feel Like Dying
I am laying in my bed, smoke suffocating my lounges,
DragonBreath spitting out the last of the fire, as I hit him one last time,
and once I get that feeling, I feel like I can do anything,
down 10 jiggers, still I feel like the impossible is real.
Put on some music, and listen to whatever plays on shuffle,
it is my cyph life, welcome to Renato's world,
come on girl just give it a shot, who knows maybe you will like it,
fly this kush carpet, as we fly above all our problems.
Then everyone leaves, and I lay alone in the fog,
forget ventilation, time to get the Fire Department to arrive,
and I begin to think of you, so I send you a text,
and we talk as I begin to land, and the lower I get the more I feel like dying.
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